Diary of a Caregiver: The Fear of Falling

The Fear of Falling: When Caregivers Worry About Getting Sick

When someone we love is diagnosed with a serious illness, our world shifts overnight. Every priority changes, every breath feels heavier, and suddenly, we are not just a spouse, partner, or family member—we are a caregiver.

For me, that reality came crashing down when my husband was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. As if the weight of that wasn’t enough, another fear started creeping in—one I hadn’t fully anticipated.

What if I get sick?

The question circles through my mind constantly. There are so many viruses, colds, and flu strains going around. I wear two masks. I stay away from anyone with the slightest sniffle. Even my kids, who I love more than life itself, have to keep their distance when they have so much as a runny nose. I cannot take the risk. My husband’s immune system is compromised, and the last thing he needs is another battle on top of the war he is already fighting.

But beyond protecting him, I also have to protect myself. I am his caregiver. I take him to treatments, help him navigate the endless appointments, and will soon be flying across the country to seek another opinion—another hope. If I get sick, what happens? If I am out of commission for even a few days, who steps in? What if my autoimmune condition flares? What if I need surgery? What if…?

The "what ifs" are relentless. They whisper in my ear when I try to sleep. They creep into the quiet moments when I should be resting but instead am running through contingency plans I don’t even have.

And the hardest part? My husband has always been the rock of our family. The one we never had to worry about, because he was always there, steady and strong, no matter what. He has been our backbone, the person we all leaned on in difficult times. But now, he is the one who needs us to be the rock. He needs me to be strong for him, to hold everything together the way he always has.

I imagine I am not alone in this. Other caregivers must feel this same overwhelming fear—the knowledge that there is no backup plan, no safety net. We are supposed to be the strong ones, the healthy ones, the ones who keep everything afloat. But what happens when the caregiver needs care?

I wish I had an answer. I wish I could find a way to silence the anxiety that grips my chest every time I feel a tickle in my throat or an ache in my bones. All I know is that I cannot let fear paralyze me. I take my precautions, I do what I can, and I keep going. Because right now, stopping is not an option.

To the other caregivers out there carrying this same burden—you are not alone. I see you. I feel your fear. And somehow, together, we will keep standing.

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